If you’ve never milked a goat or cow by hand let me tell you how easy it is. Just grab and squeeze and the milk will floweth. Or it won’t. Re-grip, get in a positive state of mind and squeeze again. The goat will probably kick your arm away. Talk nicely to your goat, tell her how great she is and remember to squeeze from the top of the hand down with your fingers and watch out for the old “foot in the milk bucket” trick. That’s a favorite of theirs. Now go wash out your bucket, take a deep breath, and sit down to try it again, this time keeping one hand on the teat and the other on the bucket so you can quickly yank it away if she steps again. 

Refocus. Be gentle yet firm (what the hell does that mean anyway?) and give her a consistent squeeze. Oh look, a drop! You got a drop. Congratulations, you’ve achieved a minor victory but before you get too excited, remember she’s full of milk and if you don’t get it out she’ll develop mastitis and require medical attention. No pressure.

After 10 minutes of this she’ll be really, really upset with you and will huff and kick and stomp and dance to the edge of the stanchion while guarding herself from you, you insensitive hominid. At this point you should let her out to give her a break and you’ll need to go to the hospital to get your hand checked out after punching the wall. Assuming there’s no structural damage, try milking again in half an hour. This may continue for three or four days and at that point either the goat has won the battle and you’ll be calling the breeder to see if you can get your money back, or you’ll have won and be on your way to developing a mutually beneficial relationship with your goat.

This obviously isn't intended to be a how-to on milking goats but rather my experience the first time I tried it. I’m happy to say that I won the battle and I appreciate our Saanen, Sandy’s, patience with me. I’m also glad to report that after milking twice a day, every day, it is now as simple as grab and squeeze. The milk does floweth once you get the hang of it. Patience may be a virtue in life but it is a matter of survival on the farm.